Beautiful Flaws

fat loss, fitness, florida, healing, health, healthy lifestyle, inspiration, inspire, life, life coaching, nutrition, strength, weight loss, wellness

Imma show you today’s produce haul and then we’re gonna talk about something special.  We’re gonna talk about Us.

But first,  food porn 🙂


I got a great haul of ripe bananas, Florida-grown asparagus, tomatoes, peaches, pears, variety of zucchini, watermelon, corn, basil, some local raw honey, and beautifully handcrafted blue cheese. Everything except for the blue cheese and honey came from the discount section of the produce market.



Aside from saving money on buying the discounted produce, I’m actually getting the best deal in the store! The bananas at this stage are actually at their peak 🙂 The spots indicate that they are full of antioxidants, and at this stage of ripeness, they are immensely sweet. Perfect for peeling, cutting, and putting in the freezer to make my protein shakes even extra delicious! I also love putting chopped frozen bananas in hot oatmeal so that I can take it from the stove top right into a bowl (sometimes it doesn’t even make it  out of the pan) and eat it pretty quickly. I’m one to get some kind of breakfast in there within 20 minutes of waking up 🙂

My blood is in farming, & I have not only a love but a penchant for beautiful, fresh produce. I come from generations of people who have worked the earth and gathered in order to stay fed and provide for family. It’s in my blood to appreciate beautiful produce! Even more, it is an inherent part of me to appreciate the beauty in things that are perceivably flawed. I’m not only doing the store a favor by taking some of the stuff off their hands for discounted price, but they’re doing me a favor by giving me some beautiful produce at a good price that actually benefits me in a huge way.

At a professional conference I heard a speaker ask the group who had a garden. A bunch of us raised our hands. He then asked if there was something that we picked from the garden that had a physical flaw on it, would we discard it, or would be cut around the flaw and still enjoy the rest of that plant’s goodness. All of the gardeners unanimously agreed that we would cut around the flaw and enjoy the rest. I consider that same approach when I’m buying produce from somebody else’s garden. The food is beautiful as it is, flaws and all. To me, physical flaws tell a story about what caused that “imperfection.”

Find beauty in flaws.

Eventually, by appreciating the flaws and the things around us, we come to not only accept, but to appreciate the beautiful flaws within us. And when we can appreciate our own flaws, the flaws of others don’t matter so much 😉

I pride myself on being the dark horse with the bright light…what the eff does that mean?

I am a fitness instructor and AASDN Nutrition Specialist who has scars and marks telling a bit of my history from a lifetime of obesity. Though I am fit, I am still the SAME PERSON.

In the fitness and nutrition business, there is this perception of perfection. Quite often, the professionals in this business are the very quintessence of perfect health. They look good, they are fit, and we don’t see any physical flaws.  We certainly don’t see any character flaws. These people do an amazing job of showing up big, and in being efficient leaders. And that works well for them, and I imagine for their clients as well.

And then, there’s the rest of Us.

The Us, who go about our daily lives, working our jobs, looking forward to whatever reprieve we can find, whatever escapes serve us, and whatever means to keep our sanity intact and our stress levels manageable.

Let’s work on bridging the gap between managing our lives on a day to day basis, and finding that place where fitness, health, and nutrition can be an integral part of our daily lives.

I have a proposal.

How about we focus on health instead of looks? How about we focus on accepting ourselves, and deciding to love ourselves enough to take care of ourselves, instead of compete with ourselves for a certain look, unrealistic expectations, and the constant fixation on an end result without enjoying the steps in the process?

Can we love ourselves enough in the present to appreciate the after when we’re done?

This isn’t a trick question, my friends. There’s only one answer, and it is yes! So now that you know the answer, are you ready to ask that question of yourself? Are you ready to appreciate and love yourself as you are, without feeling the need to change anything? Do you accept and understand that accepting yourself as you are right now will help you appreciate what you’ve achieved when you’ve reached your goal?

With the answer of yes, we might actually be able to work together 🙂

With love, always.

Your Dark Horse with a Bright Light  ❤


Cup don’t fit,  don’t give a shit 🙂


Don’t judge me for being thick, judge me because I’m an asshole!

fat loss, healing, health, life, mindfulness, weight loss, yoga

Today as I set up to teach my 6:00 a.m. yoga class, a few fit ladies came into the yoga room, looked at me, giggled among themselves, walked into an office, and laughed some more. I fully and gladly understand that whatever they were talking about has nothing to do with me, and even if it is about me, I know it’s not personal. I know not to take it personally. What disappoints me is a trend I am seeing in my experience in the fitness industry so far. It baffles me that we go into this business for the sake of helping people, and yet that pettiness, that judgment, and the very antithesis of helping people exists.

I’m experiencing this now. I am half my former body size, and yet this judgment still exists. The first time I lost a hundred pounds, I went to a seminar and a sales representative for a weight loss product approach me. This was *after* I lost a hundred pounds.

No matter what, people always judge us. And that’s their prerogative. It is exactly that, their prerogative. It is none of our business what other people think of us, say about us, or tell us how they feel about us.

The health and fitness industry, like many industries, has its virtues and its flaws. I know I’m going to be immensely successful in this business because I can be real with people, & I am glad to be the black sheep. There is a norm, and have rarely been one to conform to a norm.

I am going to be a becon of light for people who have been subjected to this childish bullshit themselves.  To help people, we need to speak their language.

This experience gives me a lot to be grateful for, and only affirms my faith. Actually got a really brilliant idea for my business spawned from today’s experience, so I am immensely grateful for everything that I learned today!

Gainz and painz

accident, fat loss, gaining weight, healing, health, mindfulness, nutrition, peace, therapy, weight loss

No one tells you when you’re gaining fat, not even your closest friends (at least in my experience). This can be seen as a blessing, and also an opportunity to realize the importance of self-accountability.

I stepped on the scale again for the first time in months the day that I had started the nationwide 24 day challenge. When I saw the number, I was initially dismayed, and then felt hopeful and enthusiastic about the results I was going to have at the end of the 24 days. Clearly at the time I started the challenge, I did not expect the accident and all the stress that would come with. Though I am one tough, persistent, idealistic fighter, the injury really got inside of my head and has affected my behavior, and I have fallen into some habits of old. What is very interesting is that I still do not partake in highly processed, sugary foods. However, bad habits are still bad habits, and excess calories are still excess calories, and at the end of the day, any time we consume too much of anything, there will be fat gain.

I absolutely abhor trying on clothes, especially when I know for a fact that I have been gaining fat. It is one of the most harrowing and depressing ordeals I feel a woman can put herself through…or maybe that’s just me. Even when I’ve lost weight, I’ve needed help trying clothes on because I still have an internal perception of myself as obese.

I needed a suit and was thrilled that I found one in my size that fit…kinda. It’s tight. Perhaps too tight. Cognitive dissonance at play here.

The place that I am at right now with my fitness, nutrition, and mentality is the place where I typically find people when they are looking for and asking for my help. Many of these people are in the beginning of their own journey. Though far from the very beginning of my journey, when going through an experience of bad habit issues, one must realize that we have to start somewhere. We don’t immediately pick up where we left off. So, with that, I will remember to be very compassionate with myself, and take good care and realize that this is where I am right now. This is what I have to work with right now. And it is okay to still experience negative feelings associated with my situation. However, just like we learn in yoga and meditation, it is good and well to have these thoughts, as long as we don’t create attachment to them.

This week in addition to work,  I still have doctor visits to continue with my therapy, keeping up with my yoga practice, a follow-up meeting with a nutritionist, and a consultation with a life coach at the end of the week.

We learn a lot in meditation about finding the calm in the storm, and until our external circumstances change, we must master our internal reactions. I fully admit that this is something that I still struggle with, and I am still having challenges maintaining my inner calm, especially at work. This is the phase I’m at right now. I learned over the last several years to feed my body the right things. Now, I am focusing once again on my habits, and listening to both my body and my internal compass to gauge what my body needs nutritionally. I also understand that a good deal of that is mental.

This is really a pain in the ass to talk about, and especially to be publicly open and blog about it.  However, I have always put my heart out there with very little restraint. I realize that if I really want to genuinely help people, then I have to be genuine about my personal journey. This is very real, very raw, and just like me, it’s pretty much unfiltered. That’s just my approach. I don’t have the attention span for anything else.

So, though it is very hard, I am just going to suck it up and do it the right way. Sure, it certainly feels like I have taken steps back. We won’t even get into how horrible I felt when the pants in the next size up were snug. However, I have a track record for success, and I definitely specialize in finding the light in the darkness. This is just yet another one of those times. And since I am on the brink of something really special, it makes total sense that I am facing a huge challenge at the precipice.

Moving forward for me at this point means confronting what has been holding me back, and just letting it go. I am grateful for the lessons that I have been taught, and so ready to let go of anything detrimental. I am ready for the best possible things to come into my life, as they should.

A friend said I’m about to sabotage myself. I’ve done it so many times. Just as I am about to reach my goals, I fuck up.

Not this time.

I can have slip-ups, but there is no turning back.

…and even if there is, I’m sure there’s a lesson and opportunity in that as well.

Reading this is a challenge, because I KNOW what I need to do. Just like when giving advice to a friend, it’s much easier to tell someone what to do, and much harder to do it. So, though I have my work cut out for me, I’m willing to put in the work today.

All I can control is today, now, this moment. Today, I want to honor myself by continuing to make good decisions, and take good care of myself.

ALL of me. Mind, heart, and soul.