On being real

body and swole, choices, fitness, florida, gay, healing, health, healthy lifestyle, inspiration, inspire, lesbian, LGBT, life, mindfulness, motivation, peace, recovery, reflection, roller skating, rollerskating, skating, strength, therapy, weight loss, wellness, women, yoga

(Cross-posted from MindHeartSwole.com blog)

I think we can all save ourselves a little bit of time, frustration, and future regrets by first admitting that we all are, at least a little bit, full of shit sometimes.

It isn’t until we’ve transformed into something truly beautiful that we really can appreciate how things are, instead of how they should be.

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This quote was gifted to me by a friend who is an astounding woman, truly beautiful in every sense from the inside out. She’s a warrior, a survivor, a kind-hearted soul who heals people’s bodies and she’s an amazing listener. I personally had never read this quote before and when I did, it brought me to tears. It’s now something that I read daily and take it to heart.

There’s another amazing soul that I know who has this incredibly beautiful scar on her arm, and though I’ve never asked what exactly it is, I’m thinking it’s a skin graft. I know bits and pieces of her story, and admire her beautiful stories every time she speaks. Sometimes I feel like she’s speaking to call me out on my shit, and that’s very likely just me projecting my insecurities, catching myself when I need to check up.

Today is day 65 in my sobriety; technically day 66 now that it’s past 9:00PM EST.

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Many times I feel like rock star sober girl, like I’ve got this shit down pat and there ain’t ever turning back. There is zero desire in my waking life to use, despite what’s happening in my dreams. The thought of drinking again makes my stomach turn, and I can’t even imagine using drugs again. The very thought makes me want to jump out of my skin and run like hell. I want to keep living clean and sober, I want this to be a lifelong commitment, and just for today, I’m taking it one day at a time, as it should be.

However…there are challenges every moment. Every fucking moment. I don’t drink, I don’t use drugs, I’m practicing abstinence, I work out every day and do restorative yoga on my rest days…and yet I still have my vices. I still obsess.

I still eat crap food sometimes. I still eat too much sometimes. I still take things personally. I still struggle with self-acceptance.

After I finished writing 100 Reasons To Lose 100 Pounds, I expected this big cloud to move over and then ta-da! Back to where I was…and that’s just not the case.

When I hit my goal, I let go for a while and then grew, and when I was at my goal, I felt maybe a bit too thin for my shape and for my personal liking. I then got to a place that I felt more comfortable, and then when I saw the videos from my goal size, I went back to wishing I was that small again.

Today I was feeling lonely. I had made plans with a friend to hang out yesterday and we never connected. I texted my sponsor and didn’t hear back. I went to a meeting at 10AM and didn’t get to share, and when I went to a noon meeting, I cried my eyes out and felt terrible. When I came home, I didn’t want to do shit but sulk and eat, but instead I geared up and got 6 miles in on my skates. The whole time I was obsessing about Doritos. I finally got the damn Doritos, ate half the bag (it was a serving size of 3 and I threw the second half away), and then went into the backyard to cut the rest of the firewood and get the log pile cleaned up.

Today was a hard day to trust and surrender, and I know I *should* do it, but the punk bitch-ass fucker wanted to be a goddamn punk. There were many moments that I stayed on the right track, but my mind just wasn’t in a good place. I didn’t want to talk to my sponsor (we texted each other a few times, it was good hearing back from her but like my prayers and conversations with God, I was withdrawn). I went to another meeting at 5 and shared again, and afterward I was given this advice:

“If you want to know who your true friends are, see who sticks around after you’ve 1) Declared bankruptcy, 2) Come out and 3) Come out about being HIV positive.”

Miracles happen, and just as this man waited for me to come out of the clubhouse to give me this advice, I think God’s waiting on me to just shut my mind off of what I think should happen and how He’s planning it to happen. He’s saved me WAY too many times to give up on me now. It’s up to me to believe in myself. As the saying goes, when the student is ready, the Master will appear. My Master is always ready;  I have to do the listening.

I’m impatient. I’m afraid. I’m dealing with ignorance.

Being real means allowing all of these things, to be perfectly imperfect, with no comparison or judgment, and just be completely authentically me.

A friend of mine keeps recommending that I listen to Grant Cardone‘s podcasts, and while I like his ethic and how hard he works, he’s aggressively arrogant. Like so many “rich” white guys who are VERY well off, he puts others down, calls people “pussies” and claims how he wants to punch certain politicians in the face.

I want to do better than that.

YES, there IS a way to be a bad ass success story without being a thundercock.

And dammit, I’m going to show people how it’s done.

As I said in the meeting, I think God’s preparing me now, in this time of uncertainty, to keep my shit together so when I get everything that I want – a clean slate, a fresh start, the car I want, property, a farm, fospice care and an animal sanctuary, facilities where I can host retreats for special-abled people, trauma victims, re-entering citizens post-incarceration, recovering addicts, burn victors, abuse victors, yogis and high-risk youth and the means to run these programs successfully – I can find peace when things are going extraordinarily well.

For those of us who have never been wealthy, the idea seems appealing, and for a while, it surely is a dream come true. However, there’s a reason why most lottery winners end up as broke as they were before they won the jackpot – piss-poor habits. A bank account says nothing about a person’s habits; our actions, our lifestyles reveal everything.

When I was making a great living as a 20-something year old airline manager, I pissed it away. Well, drank and ate a lot of it, so pissed and shat it away. I was working 100+ hour weeks and didn’t have the appreciation for my salary. Then, I moved back to Florida and got a great job that paid much less, and still it covered my expenses. It was a good career and it ran its course, and now I’m ready for work that is my purpose, to make what I’m really worth, and on my own terms.

My dream is to have trustworthy, dependable, reliable staff, to treat them well and pay them fairly, and to do something great and fill a MUCH-needed void in the community.

I thought health management, weight loss, and nutritional education was the ticket, and that’s still a pressing need.

The bigger picture is addiction.

I’m still rather new at this, and I have every intention and the burning desire to stay clean and sober, no matter what. When I set my mind to do something, I do it. Especially if the odds are looking unfavorably.

Those are MY kinds of odds.

I am an outlier.

I am an unlikely success story.

I am Smash, and it is my purpose to rise, to stand tall, to encourage, inspire, and to move people to right action. It is my job to blow sunshine up people’s asses, to wake people up, to shake them out of destructive thinking, to get them to reach their highest potentials.

It’s what I do; it’s my story. I’ve had a lot of help along the way, but ultimately, I’ve always been on my own. This is how it is for now.

I do want to share my love and my life with a special woman and make her my wife, and though that is part of my future, right now I’ve got to become the woman that *I* want to spend the rest of my life with. She’ll find me. The best things always do.

Right now, I’ve got work to do.

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Epic Voyage: Part IV – Fabulous Finale!

balance, body and swole, choices, cross country road trip, fitness, florida, gay, healing, health, healthy lifestyle, inspiration, inspire, lesbian, LGBT, life, life coaching, meditation, mindfulness, motivation, nutrition, peace, recovery, reflection, relax, road trip, roller derby, rollerskating, skating, sports, strength, therapy, travel, wellness, women

It’s of course in the finale that everything swells up into one huge explosion of hedonistic ecstasy 🙂

This is the final installment of the #EpicVoyage! The preface, Part I, Part II and Part III have all lead up to this – the best part 😀

Back on the road! Last we left off, I was at Four Corners. Reception was still NOT happening, so once again I had a map, an idea, and the road ❤

I decided to hit Colorado Springs next! It took me the whole day, because again, the scenery was immensely gorgeous and I got to drive winding roads through mountains and valleys.

Epic. Fucking. Journey. Word, yo.

THATPIC

A real map. No pressure. Just an idea ❤

This picture summarizes this entire #EpicVoyage in its essence – exactly what I needed: chillin’, happy, fulfilled, pleased, content, surrounded by majesty.

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So beautiful.

While staying in Cortez, I took advantage of the Internet availability and booked myself a room in Colorado Springs. The hotel called me about 2 hours before my arrival asking what time I expected to be in, & I told them around 10 p.m. They said that they actually close the reception area at 10, but they’ll work with me to see what we can do. When I asked why they close, something I’m not used to a hotel telling me, they replied that they are a family owned business, & I hauled ass to get there in time before they closed so as not to inconvenience their family.

I got there at 9:59 PM ❤

I LOVED my hotel, the owners, the room, and the area altogether.

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It was here that I fell in love. I fell in love with Colorado, with Manitou Springs, with the moutains, and with the new options of what a “smoking” room meant in Colorado.

The following morning, I thought it’d be cool to check out Garden of the Gods and finally make peace and get closure from my last visit there. The last time I visited Colorado Springs and Garden of the Gods in particular, it was the first time that as an ordained minister I performed a funeral service and it was for a friend. And while the funeral was more of a life celebration, there certainly was mourning.

I thought I would check out of the hotel that morning, go to Garden of the Gods, and then start looking at various ways that I could drive toward Florida. What was interesting is that I’d originally intended on going back the way that I came, and now that I was up in the middle of the country, I had more options. I looked at one route in particular and realized that it was actually going through parts of the country that I had never been to, and toward someone that I had not seen in a while. We’d been talking about meeting up if it were an option during this road trip, and while I thought it would just be a fantasy if it happened, now it was becoming more of a reality. So, I sent her a screenshot of my route, and she informed me that it would take me through where she was.

Cool!

However, the next contact I made was…

…well…

Come on dude, I was in Colorado after all.

I called a dispensary.

And then went.

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Selfie x2

ColoradoEmeraldFields

Emerald Fields gave me a 10% discount for checking in and posting to social media, and another 10% off for joining their membership program. So I got 20% off bud.

20% off. Of Colorado Bud.

A 20% cash discount. 20% off of marijuana. WEED. DISCOUNT.

It’s still taking a while for me to let that sink in. When the hell else will anyone EVER get a discount on bud?!

05

The tables from back right, to left and front: decent grade, great grade, BEST grade!

I went to the best grade table. Carpe Diem, man! It’s COLORADO!

06

Indicas and sativas, oh my!

07

“Hi, I’m Smash.”
“I’m not high, I’m Sarah.”

Meeting my bud-tender 🙂

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Holy fucking mother of amazing smells. Sweet Tooth indica (smells and tastes like candy) and Area 51 sativa (tasted like stanky danky heaven) 🙂

So naturally after I visited there, my next stop was to grab food!

Coloradogermanfood

German food!!! And unsweet tea! Everything was funny and delicious and I was one happy camper ❤

Sooooo instead of leave and head out after all that, stayed another day 🙂 Because reasons.

Plus by the time I left the restaurant, hit some spots, made some visits and met some cool people, it was around 4:00PM…

…which meant I had about 20 minutes to hit a lounge and make it in time for Happy Hour 😀

I found the SpeakEasy Lounge, where I – OH MY – discovered prices are MUCH different than the dispensaries. Soooo I got more Colorado green and made lots of friends at 4:20PM that day 🙂

I went to Colorado, I smoked some fine bud, and chilled out on my Epic Voyage. Things were pretty damn peachy 🙂 The bud, however, was Pineapple Express 🙂

Seriously I could go on about the sativas and indicas that I tried, and I could go on and on about it as much as I speak about women and how much I appreciate them as well, but we’ll leave it here and say I had some really good weed, shared it with some super cool people – ALL OF THEM FROM FLORIDA, WHAT?! – and enjoyed myself. By the by, all the Floridians I ran into were Baby Boomers. That’s the market, folks. And usually people flock to Florida to move and to live, and now they’re flocking to Colorado.

Wake up, Florida. Legalize marijuana already.

/rant

After hanging out for a bit, I hit Garden of the Gods ❤

CoGardenGods

I got that closure that I needed ❤ Love you, Em ❤

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The sunbeams busting through clouds and the sunset reminds me of my grandfather, and I felt his blessings on me again ❤ Thanks, pop 😀

That night I slept like a baby, and woke up at 3AM to hit the road and start the 1800+ mile trek home, broken down into a few legs. Since the hotel office was closed, I did as they said and left the key on the desk and left the door unlocked. I can’t wait to visit again; I am SO staying at the Buffalo Lodge again!

As I progressed through the country, I witnessed some amazing landscapes. Even the flatlands of Kansas were beautiful. Miles and miles of green farm country, fields, and landscape. So vast, so beautiful ❤

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Once I hit Kansas, I realized we’re not in Colorado anymore! Har har.

I progressed until I made my next stop, and that’s where something pretty epic and magical happened.

After two years of abstinence, three years of being single and dozens of opportunities that I decided to skip out on, a GREAT opportunity presented itself and I went for it.

FINALLY.

It was like that “I CAN SEE AGAIN” moment from Bound ❤

Except, having my way, I was the giver and not the recipient. After the first….uhhh like 4 times…she said she needed it, and I said gotdang have I need that. When she said how long it’s been for her and then asked me how long it had been for me, I couldn’t help but laugh. I was kind of embarrassed. I mean, TWO YEARS DUDE!

Her jaw dropped. “Really?… but why me?”

Because I care about her. Because there’s always been that thing between us, and the circumstances were never right. Because she’s absolutely beautiful, femme, smart, brave, witty, bossy, and gorgeous because she’s both beautiful on the inside AND out, and should get an extra accolade for being so lovely.

ALSO, she knew what she wanted, she went for it, and she properly seduced me like a grown-ass woman should. It was natural, playful, smart, fun and very open. I was tired of games people play; this was NO game. She acted like an adult and went for it. And she got what she wanted.

I asked her where I should put my bag, and she pointed next to her night table. Then I asked where I would stay (she offered to let me crash for the night), and she said “in here.” I asked where she was staying, and she said, “in here with you.”

OKAY! I put my bag down and excused myself for a moment. I drove 100 straight miles without taking a piss because something told me to get there. Just fucking get there.

As I looked in the bathroom mirror, I braced the counter and told myself, “this is about to happen. Just be cool. Let it happen naturally.”

I joined her again in the room, we talked more, and there was the moment when she looked at her phone, smiled, put it down and said, “so my (former lover) asked if I’d fuck you, and I said yes.”

I took her hand and put it to my neck, so she could feel my heart beating like a teenager’s would on prom night.

TWICE on this Epic Voyage I had that feeling. TWICE! First, when I bought weed. Then two days later, here I was in a friend’s bed, about to throw down with her. Holy shit.

She asked me, “are you nervous?”
“Little bit. More excited than nervous. I feel like a teenager.”
“Why?”
I laughed. “I’ll tell you later.” *grabs what was in her hands and puts it on the end table*

“We should do something about this.”

And then I kissed her.

I told her to get comfortable, and made her very, very, very, very very very very very happy. And I felt happy. I broke her bed and she didn’t give a damn.

“Shit! I broke your bed! I warned you I was a bed breaker!”
“SO WHAT JUST DON’T FUCKING STOP!!!”

Finally. FINALLY felt all studly again; like the proper way. Making a lady feel amazing.

A bunch of times.

Okay a lot.

Hey it’d been two years.

And she made more than just amazing sounds; there was a symphony of melodic, harmonious, gradual crescendos leading up to big, full-out fortissimos, over and over again, for hours.

We tried ordering Chinese food like five times.

“Where do you want to order from? I’ll go pick it up.” I offered.
“Pick it up, are you fucking kidding me?” She hit a button and started placing the order. Then, without moving from where she was, she rattled off her credit card information.
“Oh Jesus, what a princess!” I said.

And we killed some time before the Chinese food showed up. And killed even more time before actually eating.

The Chinese food, I mean.

“This is us, eating Chinese food just aahhhhHHHHHHHHHH!!!!…ARE YOU REALLY DOING THIS LIKE REALLY HOLY $&%^^**#%#”

I’d never shared myself as a fit person, ever. I’ve never been fit like this before, and it was amazing to share myself and what this body can do with someone who not only appreciates it, but deserves it. She had it coming.

*clears throat*

So, there’s that 🙂

The next day (I would say next morning but we were busy all morning…) I took her to breakfast, said farewell for now, and headed out.

I made a quick stop in St. Loius…

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…and then off to Nashville and spent the night there. Crashed, packed, and for the first time in two and a half weeks, I pulled up Waze and hit “HOME” as my destination. nashvilleheadedhome

Leaving Nashville, rocking the Emerald Fields tee!

Knowing that Atlanta would be a clusterfuck of traffic, I pulled up Yelp and found some good southern food outside of the city to nom on before making that one last final push toward Florida.

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Southern deliciousness from Doug’s Place!

Georgia came and went, and home was near. It had been over two weeks since I was home and as I neared the Florida border, I was just ready.

The road had been conquered and I felt like a champion, returning home from something I’d been training super hard for. I was!

With EVERYTHING that happened leading up to this, everything I endured, not only have I survived it all with my head held high (often with support), but I took a fucking VACATION!

And I got everything that I wanted. Everything.

To me, it validated all that I have been saying, practicing, and putting into action. It validated, to me, that I am stronger than whatever life throws at me, whatever people do to me, and that I will always come out on top.

Then, as I’m contemplating my journey – especially my previous struggles with my sexuality, the shit I’ve gotten because of it, the issues I’ve had in relationships, and all the crazy stuff that comes with being a lesbian – I see this span across the sky JUST AS I GET TO FLORIDA.

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Welcome homo, Smash ❤

At that point, I was familiar with where I was, and the drive home felt just like any ride back from Lake City 😀

Here’s what’s super duper spectacularly awesome – I left on a Saturday night, right after reffing Sintral vs. Lakeland. I approached their venue on I-95, 20 miles from my house, and was able to make the last few minutes of their practice before I went home!

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Love, hugs, and receiving kudos for making it there and back again, and on making really, REALLY good decisions.

Buxom looked at me and I smiled at her, and she paused for a while before opening her eyes SUPER wide and exclaiming, “FINALLY! JESUS SMASH. FINALLY.”

She didn’t even have to ask; she could tell that I had magical amazing lesbian lovings on my voyage 🙂

I left Destination Daytona, and then, finally, I pulled into my driveway, into the carport, and parked my car at MY HOUSE ❤

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I’m in Daytona, Bitch!!!

The very next day, life resumed, as it should. I was still (shit, I still am) basking in vacation/road trip/goals smashed glory, and taught class that evening with a new charge! Vinyassa the next morning was super empowering, and since the trip, my personal yoga practice has become even more fluid and, quite frankly, it feels beautiful.

Since returning, I’ve picked up a few more classes to teach, I’ve got an editor to help me with BIG project I’ve been working on for a few years, and I’ve been pounding away with the business. Booking workshops, speaking, interacting with the community, and making Body and Swole a name in the community and out there in the world.

This story is just a piece of me, and a damn good one. There are so, so many more bits, and so many more stories. This one was just well-chronicled and told with a fairly fresh mind.

This is a happy tale!

All of my stories have a happy ending, or at least something positive can be reaped from each of them. There are some great ones, funny ones, uplifting, inspirational, empowering…you name it.

There are also some pretty dark stories, but again, it all turns out well in the end 😀

This whole process has been an alchemical one, turning the shit life throws at me into something spectacular. Life threw me a HUGE challenge, and with lots of support, encouragement, and lots of help and faith, it happened.

It needed to.

I needed to prove that I am SO much stronger than the struggle, that my light persists in the darkest of dark times. I needed to prove that no matter what anyone does to me or takes from me, that I am greater than what has been taken from me, and I’ll do better next time.

There have also been some huge lessons learned after.

Like Santiago experienced on his journey, he found someone, but he still needed to continue on his quest. I found myself in a similar situation, and though it’s been very hard to keep my focus on here, now, and on my business as it goes from infancy to full-on growing up, I’ve had to make that decision like a parent makes for his or her child. An actual, real relationship, the kind that I want in the long term, is for now a dream, a fantasy, and one that will be a part of my future, but not part of now.

I did very much enjoy the experience, and the fantasy 🙂

All good things, no regrets and lots of hopes for the future.

I don’t know *how* things will happen, but I have plans for WHAT will happen. And, just like my #EpicVoyage, I’ll bust my ass to work hard with an idea for an outcome, but no particular attachment to *how* things will come together.

They just will 🙂

How do I know? I don’t just know it; I feel it.

I know because I’m a witness to amazing achievements. Of course I know – I’ve seen me do it!

All in all, everything that I’ve been speaking about and the hard things to believe in were all proven to me.

Be brave, be yourself, be true to your heart and authentic in your endeavors. There’s no room for anything else in my life.

Here. Now. As I am.

I am Smash, and I am conditioned for epic things 🙂

As I’ve said before, this is still very much just the beginning 😉

Epic Journey: Part IV – Fabulous Finale

balance, body and swole, choices, cross country road trip, fitness, florida, gay, healing, health, healthy lifestyle, inspiration, inspire, lesbian, LGBT, life, life coaching, meditation, mindfulness, motivation, nutrition, peace, recovery, reflection, relax, road trip, roller derby, roller skating, rollerskating, skating, sports, strength, therapy, travel, wellness, women

It’s of course in the finale that everything swells up into one huge explosion of hedonistic ecstasy 🙂

This is the final installment of the #EpicVoyage! The preface, Part I, Part II and Part III have all lead up to this – the best part 😀

Back on the road! Last we left off, I was at Four Corners. Reception was still NOT happening, so once again I had a map, an idea, and the road ❤

I decided to hit Colorado Springs next! It took me the whole day, because again, the scenery was immensely gorgeous and I got to drive winding roads through mountains and valleys.

Epic. Fucking. Journey. Word, yo.

THATPIC

A real map. No pressure. Just an idea ❤

This picture summarizes this entire #EpicVoyage in its essence – exactly what I needed: chillin’, happy, fulfilled, pleased, content, surrounded by majesty.

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So beautiful.

While staying in Cortez, I took advantage of the Internet availability and booked myself a room in Colorado Springs. The hotel called me about 2 hours before my arrival asking what time I expected to be in, & I told them around 10 p.m. They said that they actually close the reception area at 10, but they’ll work with me to see what we can do. When I asked why they close, something I’m not used to a hotel telling me, they replied that they are a family owned business, & I hauled ass to get there in time before they closed so as not to inconvenience their family.

I got there at 9:59 PM ❤

I LOVED my hotel, the owners, the room, and the area altogether.

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It was here that I fell in love. I fell in love with Colorado, with Manitou Springs, with the moutains, and with the new options of what a “smoking” room meant in Colorado.

The following morning, I thought it’d be cool to check out Garden of the Gods and finally make peace and get closure from my last visit there. The last time I visited Colorado Springs and Garden of the Gods in particular, it was the first time that as an ordained minister I performed a funeral service and it was for a friend. And while the funeral was more of a life celebration, there certainly was mourning.

I thought I would check out of the hotel that morning, go to Garden of the Gods, and then start looking at various ways that I could drive toward Florida. What was interesting is that I’d originally intended on going back the way that I came, and now that I was up in the middle of the country, I had more options. I looked at one route in particular and realized that it was actually going through parts of the country that I had never been to, and toward someone that I had not seen in a while. We’d been talking about meeting up if it were an option during this road trip, and while I thought it would just be a fantasy if it happened, now it was becoming more of a reality. So, I sent her a screenshot of my route, and she informed me that it would take me through where she was.

Cool!

However, the next contact I made was…

…well…

Come on dude, I was in Colorado after all.

I called a dispensary.

And then went.

02

Selfie x2

ColoradoEmeraldFields

Emerald Fields gave me a 10% discount for checking in and posting to social media, and another 10% off for joining their membership program. So I got 20% off bud.

20% off. Of Colorado Bud.

A 20% cash discount. 20% off of marijuana. WEED. DISCOUNT.

It’s still taking a while for me to let that sink in. When the hell else will anyone EVER get a discount on bud?!

05

The tables from back right, to left and front: decent grade, great grade, BEST grade!

I went to the best grade table. Carpe Diem, man! It’s COLORADO!

06

Indicas and sativas, oh my!

07

“Hi, I’m Smash.”
“I’m not high, I’m Sarah.”

Meeting my bud-tender 🙂

09 10

Holy fucking mother of amazing smells. Sweet Tooth indica (smells and tastes like candy) and Area 51 sativa (tasted like stanky danky heaven) 🙂

So naturally after I visited there, my next stop was to grab food!

Coloradogermanfood

German food!!! And unsweet tea! Everything was funny and delicious and I was one happy camper ❤

Sooooo instead of leave and head out after all that, stayed another day 🙂 Because reasons.

Plus by the time I left the restaurant, hit some spots, made some visits and met some cool people, it was around 4:00PM…

…which meant I had about 20 minutes to hit a lounge and make it in time for Happy Hour 😀

I found the SpeakEasy Lounge, where I – OH MY – discovered prices are MUCH different than the dispensaries. Soooo I got more Colorado green and made lots of friends at 4:20PM that day 🙂

I went to Colorado, I smoked some fine bud, and chilled out on my Epic Voyage. Things were pretty damn peachy 🙂 The bud, however, was Pineapple Express 🙂

Seriously I could go on about the sativas and indicas that I tried, and I could go on and on about it as much as I speak about women and how much I appreciate them as well, but we’ll leave it here and say I had some really good weed, shared it with some super cool people – ALL OF THEM FROM FLORIDA, WHAT?! – and enjoyed myself. By the by, all the Floridians I ran into were Baby Boomers. That’s the market, folks. And usually people flock to Florida to move and to live, and now they’re flocking to Colorado.

Wake up, Florida. Legalize marijuana already.

/rant

After hanging out for a bit, I hit Garden of the Gods ❤

CoGardenGods

I got that closure that I needed ❤ Love you, Em ❤

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The sunbeams busting through clouds and the sunset reminds me of my grandfather, and I felt his blessings on me again ❤ Thanks, pop 😀

That night I slept like a baby, and woke up at 3AM to hit the road and start the 1800+ mile trek home, broken down into a few legs. Since the hotel office was closed, I did as they said and left the key on the desk and left the door unlocked. I can’t wait to visit again; I am SO staying at the Buffalo Lodge again!

As I progressed through the country, I witnessed some amazing landscapes. Even the flatlands of Kansas were beautiful. Miles and miles of green farm country, fields, and landscape. So vast, so beautiful ❤

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Once I hit Kansas, I realized we’re not in Colorado anymore! Har har.

I progressed until I made my next stop, and that’s where something pretty epic and magical happened.

After two years of abstinence, three years of being single and dozens of opportunities that I decided to skip out on, a GREAT opportunity presented itself and I went for it.

FINALLY.

It was like that “I CAN SEE AGAIN” moment from Bound ❤

Except, having my way, I was the giver and not the recipient. After the first….uhhh like 4 times…she said she needed it, and I said gotdang have I need that. When she said how long it’s been for her and then asked me how long it had been for me, I couldn’t help but laugh. I was kind of embarrassed. I mean, TWO YEARS DUDE!

Her jaw dropped. “Really?… but why me?”

Because I care about her. Because there’s always been that thing between us, and the circumstances were never right. Because she’s absolutely beautiful, femme, smart, brave, witty, bossy, and gorgeous because she’s both beautiful on the inside AND out, and should get an extra accolade for being so lovely.

ALSO, she knew what she wanted, she went for it, and she properly seduced me like a grown-ass woman should. It was natural, playful, smart, fun and very open. I was tired of games people play; this was NO game. She acted like an adult and went for it. And she got what she wanted.

I asked her where I should put my bag, and she pointed next to her night table. Then I asked where I would stay (she offered to let me crash for the night), and she said “in here.” I asked where she was staying, and she said, “in here with you.”

OKAY! I put my bag down and excused myself for a moment. I drove 100 straight miles without taking a piss because something told me to get there. Just fucking get there.

As I looked in the bathroom mirror, I braced the counter and told myself, “this is about to happen. Just be cool. Let it happen naturally.”

I joined her again in the room, we talked more, and there was the moment when she looked at her phone, smiled, put it down and said, “so my (former lover) asked if I’d fuck you, and I said yes.”

I took her hand and put it to my neck, so she could feel my heart beating like a teenager’s would on prom night.

TWICE on this Epic Voyage I had that feeling. TWICE! First, when I bought weed. Then two days later, here I was in a friend’s bed, about to throw down with her. Holy shit.

She asked me, “are you nervous?”
“Little bit. More excited than nervous. I feel like a teenager.”
“Why?”
I laughed. “I’ll tell you later.” *grabs what was in her hands and puts it on the end table*

“We should do something about this.”

And then I kissed her.

I told her to get comfortable, and made her very, very, very, very very very very very happy. And I felt happy. I broke her bed and she didn’t give a damn.

“Shit! I broke your bed! I warned you I was a bed breaker!”
“SO WHAT JUST DON’T FUCKING STOP!!!”

Finally. FINALLY felt all studly again; like the proper way. Making a lady feel amazing.

A bunch of times.

Okay a lot.

Hey it’d been two years.

And she made more than just amazing sounds; there was a symphony of melodic, harmonious, gradual crescendos leading up to big, full-out fortissimos, over and over again, for hours.

We tried ordering Chinese food like five times.

“Where do you want to order from? I’ll go pick it up.” I offered.
“Pick it up, are you fucking kidding me?” She hit a button and started placing the order. Then, without moving from where she was, she rattled off her credit card information.
“Oh Jesus, what a princess!” I said.

And we killed some time before the Chinese food showed up. And killed even more time before actually eating.

The Chinese food, I mean.

“This is us, eating Chinese food just aahhhhHHHHHHHHHH!!!!…ARE YOU REALLY DOING THIS LIKE REALLY HOLY $&%^^**#%#”

I’d never shared myself as a fit person, ever. I’ve never been fit like this before, and it was amazing to share myself and what this body can do with someone who not only appreciates it, but deserves it. She had it coming.

*clears throat*

So, there’s that 🙂

The next day (I would say next morning but we were busy all morning…) I took her to breakfast, said farewell for now, and headed out.

I made a quick stop in St. Loius…

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…and then off to Nashville and spent the night there. Crashed, packed, and for the first time in two and a half weeks, I pulled up Waze and hit “HOME” as my destination. nashvilleheadedhome

Leaving Nashville, rocking the Emerald Fields tee!

Knowing that Atlanta would be a clusterfuck of traffic, I pulled up Yelp and found some good southern food outside of the city to nom on before making that one last final push toward Florida.

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Southern deliciousness from Doug’s Place!

Georgia came and went, and home was near. It had been over two weeks since I was home and as I neared the Florida border, I was just ready.

The road had been conquered and I felt like a champion, returning home from something I’d been training super hard for. I was!

With EVERYTHING that happened leading up to this, everything I endured, not only have I survived it all with my head held high (often with support), but I took a fucking VACATION!

And I got everything that I wanted. Everything.

To me, it validated all that I have been saying, practicing, and putting into action. It validated, to me, that I am stronger than whatever life throws at me, whatever people do to me, and that I will always come out on top.

Then, as I’m contemplating my journey – especially my previous struggles with my sexuality, the shit I’ve gotten because of it, the issues I’ve had in relationships, and all the crazy stuff that comes with being a lesbian – I see this span across the sky JUST AS I GET TO FLORIDA.

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Welcome homo, Smash ❤

At that point, I was familiar with where I was, and the drive home felt just like any ride back from Lake City 😀

Here’s what’s super duper spectacularly awesome – I left on a Saturday night, right after reffing Sintral vs. Lakeland. I approached their venue on I-95, 20 miles from my house, and was able to make the last few minutes of their practice before I went home!

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Love, hugs, and receiving kudos for making it there and back again, and on making really, REALLY good decisions.

Buxom looked at me and I smiled at her, and she paused for a while before opening her eyes SUPER wide and exclaiming, “FINALLY! JESUS SMASH. FINALLY.”

She didn’t even have to ask; she could tell that I had magical amazing lesbian lovings on my voyage 🙂

I left Destination Daytona, and then, finally, I pulled into my driveway, into the carport, and parked my car at MY HOUSE ❤

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I’m in Daytona, Bitch!!!

The very next day, life resumed, as it should. I was still (shit, I still am) basking in vacation/road trip/goals smashed glory, and taught class that evening with a new charge! Vinyassa the next morning was super empowering, and since the trip, my personal yoga practice has become even more fluid and, quite frankly, it feels beautiful.

Since returning, I’ve picked up a few more classes to teach, I’ve got an editor to help me with BIG project I’ve been working on for a few years, and I’ve been pounding away with the business. Booking workshops, speaking, interacting with the community, and making Body and Swole a name in the community and out there in the world.

This story is just a piece of me, and a damn good one. There are so, so many more bits, and so many more stories. This one was just well-chronicled and told with a fairly fresh mind.

This is a happy tale!

All of my stories have a happy ending, or at least something positive can be reaped from each of them. There are some great ones, funny ones, uplifting, inspirational, empowering…you name it.

There are also some pretty dark stories, but again, it all turns out well in the end 😀

This whole process has been an alchemical one, turning the shit life throws at me into something spectacular. Life threw me a HUGE challenge, and with lots of support, encouragement, and lots of help and faith, it happened.

It needed to.

I needed to prove that I am SO much stronger than the struggle, that my light persists in the darkest of dark times. I needed to prove that no matter what anyone does to me or takes from me, that I am greater than what has been taken from me, and I’ll do better next time.

There have also been some huge lessons learned after.

Like Santiago experienced on his journey, he found someone, but he still needed to continue on his quest. I found myself in a similar situation, and though it’s been very hard to keep my focus on here, now, and on my business as it goes from infancy to full-on growing up, I’ve had to make that decision like a parent makes for his or her child. An actual, real relationship, the kind that I want in the long term, is for now a dream, a fantasy, and one that will be a part of my future, but not part of now.

I did very much enjoy the experience, and the fantasy 🙂

All good things, no regrets and lots of hopes for the future.

I don’t know *how* things will happen, but I have plans for WHAT will happen. And, just like my #EpicVoyage, I’ll bust my ass to work hard with an idea for an outcome, but no particular attachment to *how* things will come together.

They just will 🙂

How do I know? I don’t just know it; I feel it.

I know because I’m a witness to amazing achievements. Of course I know – I’ve seen me do it!

All in all, everything that I’ve been speaking about and the hard things to believe in were all proven to me.

Be brave, be yourself, be true to your heart and authentic in your endeavors. There’s no room for anything else in my life.

Here. Now. As I am.

I am Smash, and I am conditioned for epic things 🙂

As I’ve said before, this is still very much just the beginning 😉

Beautiful Flaws

fat loss, fitness, florida, healing, health, healthy lifestyle, inspiration, inspire, life, life coaching, nutrition, strength, weight loss, wellness

Imma show you today’s produce haul and then we’re gonna talk about something special.  We’re gonna talk about Us.

But first,  food porn 🙂

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I got a great haul of ripe bananas, Florida-grown asparagus, tomatoes, peaches, pears, variety of zucchini, watermelon, corn, basil, some local raw honey, and beautifully handcrafted blue cheese. Everything except for the blue cheese and honey came from the discount section of the produce market.

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Aside from saving money on buying the discounted produce, I’m actually getting the best deal in the store! The bananas at this stage are actually at their peak 🙂 The spots indicate that they are full of antioxidants, and at this stage of ripeness, they are immensely sweet. Perfect for peeling, cutting, and putting in the freezer to make my protein shakes even extra delicious! I also love putting chopped frozen bananas in hot oatmeal so that I can take it from the stove top right into a bowl (sometimes it doesn’t even make it  out of the pan) and eat it pretty quickly. I’m one to get some kind of breakfast in there within 20 minutes of waking up 🙂

My blood is in farming, & I have not only a love but a penchant for beautiful, fresh produce. I come from generations of people who have worked the earth and gathered in order to stay fed and provide for family. It’s in my blood to appreciate beautiful produce! Even more, it is an inherent part of me to appreciate the beauty in things that are perceivably flawed. I’m not only doing the store a favor by taking some of the stuff off their hands for discounted price, but they’re doing me a favor by giving me some beautiful produce at a good price that actually benefits me in a huge way.

At a professional conference I heard a speaker ask the group who had a garden. A bunch of us raised our hands. He then asked if there was something that we picked from the garden that had a physical flaw on it, would we discard it, or would be cut around the flaw and still enjoy the rest of that plant’s goodness. All of the gardeners unanimously agreed that we would cut around the flaw and enjoy the rest. I consider that same approach when I’m buying produce from somebody else’s garden. The food is beautiful as it is, flaws and all. To me, physical flaws tell a story about what caused that “imperfection.”

Find beauty in flaws.

Eventually, by appreciating the flaws and the things around us, we come to not only accept, but to appreciate the beautiful flaws within us. And when we can appreciate our own flaws, the flaws of others don’t matter so much 😉

I pride myself on being the dark horse with the bright light…what the eff does that mean?

I am a fitness instructor and AASDN Nutrition Specialist who has scars and marks telling a bit of my history from a lifetime of obesity. Though I am fit, I am still the SAME PERSON.

In the fitness and nutrition business, there is this perception of perfection. Quite often, the professionals in this business are the very quintessence of perfect health. They look good, they are fit, and we don’t see any physical flaws.  We certainly don’t see any character flaws. These people do an amazing job of showing up big, and in being efficient leaders. And that works well for them, and I imagine for their clients as well.

And then, there’s the rest of Us.

The Us, who go about our daily lives, working our jobs, looking forward to whatever reprieve we can find, whatever escapes serve us, and whatever means to keep our sanity intact and our stress levels manageable.

Let’s work on bridging the gap between managing our lives on a day to day basis, and finding that place where fitness, health, and nutrition can be an integral part of our daily lives.

I have a proposal.

How about we focus on health instead of looks? How about we focus on accepting ourselves, and deciding to love ourselves enough to take care of ourselves, instead of compete with ourselves for a certain look, unrealistic expectations, and the constant fixation on an end result without enjoying the steps in the process?

Can we love ourselves enough in the present to appreciate the after when we’re done?

This isn’t a trick question, my friends. There’s only one answer, and it is yes! So now that you know the answer, are you ready to ask that question of yourself? Are you ready to appreciate and love yourself as you are, without feeling the need to change anything? Do you accept and understand that accepting yourself as you are right now will help you appreciate what you’ve achieved when you’ve reached your goal?

With the answer of yes, we might actually be able to work together 🙂

With love, always.

Your Dark Horse with a Bright Light  ❤

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Cup don’t fit,  don’t give a shit 🙂

Making a deposit in the bank where I store great stuff

fitness, healing, health, healthy lifestyle, inspiration, inspire, life, life coaching, motivation, reflection, strength, wellness

I said this to a friend when I saw her a couple weeks ago, right after I jumped out of a plane and REALLY understood some pretty huge concepts on the ride back to the ground.

“You’re not only capable of doing this. You deserve it. You know that, yeah? Cuz you do.”

So guys, please do yourselves a favor and quit the shit with what you did wrong, why you shouldn’t have great things, and fucking cockblocking the best things that are falling RIGHT into your lives and presenting themselves as opportunities.

If the thought, motivation, and DESIRE to do or have something is persistently on your mind, then you need to just fucking do it.

There is no “right time.” There are only so many goddamn Mondays that you can start over.

If you are tired of staring over, then STOP GIVING UP.

This is your wake -up call from your no-frills, bullshit-free, in-your-face leader.

This is a volunteer army, and led by an iron – willed, dogmatic, never-going-back witness to what PERSONAL POWER can bring when we ALLOW it.

Stop getting fucked, and let life make love to you.

The very best to you all, now and always,

– SMASH

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Find the place where strength meets compassion

balance, choices, fitness, health, healthy lifestyle, inspiration, life, motivation, roller derby, roller skating, skating, strength, weight loss

Today is Wednesday, which is usually the day in the week that my body is feeling the intensity of my training sessions the most. I do either cardio or weights on Mondays, followed by a power yoga practice with my guru, and on Tuesday I practice Yoga in the morning, prepare to teach class, teach class, and then I take Buti yoga. So, by Wednesday, I’m feeling strong, but tired. Today we had BodyPump, and later on I taught yoga and skated after.

Reaching my goal initially was one thing, sustaining it was an important process in learning how to continue those habits, and not fall into bad habits. I started finding a rhythm again, and then I had an injury. Any time we experience an injury, particularly athletes, what’s going on in your head is a story of doomsday, fear, and taking everything the doctor says to heart. So, I was feeling pretty down, and to be quite frank, there were moments of despair. Anytime one hears permanence, fears do all kinds of things with our brains. I was afraid of losing the ability to stay fit, which ironically impacted my body. By being afraid of decreasing my fitness level, I wasn’t working out as much. By being afraid of how an injury would impact my body, I allowed it to and I gained fat.

What we resist persists.

I resisted weight gain, and it persisted on me.

The deep existential lesson I’ve gotten from my experiences this year is that I can still be kick ass, but also find and allow compassion for myself.

Setbacks are part of the growing process. We learn that in our coaching. And just as we learn the habits to overcome obstacles, we learn again what it takes to get by if the lesson didn’t really stick the first time. Sometimes, the lesson has to be learned multiple times.

I’ve lost a hundred pounds twice. The first time I lost a hundred pounds, I had an injury and went through a horrifying ordeal, and during all that chaos, I gained about 70 pounds. Several years later when I was ready again, I lost the 70 that I gained, plus another 30. After hitting my goal, I settled for a moment, put on a little bit of fat from victory meals and especially enjoying Las Vegas for a full week, and then struggled to find consistency.

During the 30 days of skating challenge, I hope to inspire people to be their best, and do the best they can with what they have. There’s a lesson in that for me as well. As leader, not only do I have to show strength, but I also have to emphasize the importance of balance and rest.

When it was my turn to lead a yoga practice this training this weekend, I addressed the group and told them to continue to work to their edge, but also realize that we’ve been working very hard. Though it is important to continually grow, it’s equally important to know when the ego is pushing the body past growth and toward danger. I then said something to them that I tell the students in my high intensity interval class.

Find the place where strength meets compassion.

The athletes in my high intensity class are exactly that. They are high intensity. Is a highly aggressive workout, and as an instructor, I have to pay particularly close attention to ensure proper form, to make sure that they are getting a good workout, but also that they are not overdoing it. I remind them that doing exercises properly and at their own particular level ensures that they can do it over and over again. It only takes one bad movement for the ego to take over, and impacts our body and our ability to do the things we love.

Strength is not only physical, it’s also the mental fortitude to realize that we are human, we are flawed, and our best today will vary from yesterday and tomorrow. We are always great, we are always exceptional, we always carry an amazing potential within us.

“You are as good as your greatest day even if you have not had it yet.” – Kenyan runner’s phrase

Last week I had dinner with a friend that was visiting from out of town, and while talking about the classes we teach, we discussed how fitness, just like food, can be used excessively. She then said something that stuck in my mind profoundly. She said fitness is not a punishment, it is a reward.

This is yet another reminder that what we do is important, and how we do it is equally as important. Is good and well to eat healthy, but still having excessive tendencies means excess calories will be consumed, which leads to fat gain. Also, what it takes to burn excessive calories takes way more time and effort then consuming those calories. So, with balance, comes smart eating, and smart exercise.

Conversely, excessive exercise without adequate nutrition leads to depletion and is detrimental to our bodies externally, internally, and messes with our minds.

The takeaway here is to find balance. Even bigger – and much deeper – is accepting what is without continually obsessing about changing it. Again, what we resist persists.

Let it go. Whatever it is we don’t want to be, we can choose to avoid by focusing on what we DO want to be.

By focusing on being OUR best – not THE best, not better than so-and-so, not comparing to others – we are able to unleash our greatest selves to express our true genius. OUR genius. No one else’s.

So, be brilliant. No option 😉

Onto the 30 Days of Skating challenge!

We’re 1200 people and 3 days in, and today was another day of ass-kicking skater goodness! It’s remarkable to see people rally together and share the joy of skating! Some of us are feeling the extra work, and with any sport, we’ve also experienced a few injuries. The group’s been amazingly supportive and every day is busy, fun, interesting, and another opportunity for us all to see that, despite our differences, we are truly in this together.

Tonight while reffing for Palm Coast Roller Derby, I was reminded yet again that I want to keep working on my plow stops and transitions. As an outside pack ref, I want to get super on my feet, because I have the endurance, and I can do even more once I get quicker with the fancier stuff. This month’s challenge is a great way for me to not only keep building on my endurance (to say I need more endurance is like saying I need more muscle…I love what I got, but I’m glad to have more :D), but to deal with nagging annoyances I’ve been pushing aside because I’ve been reffing and not playing derby.

Day 3 rocked, and it’s a joy and a blessing to be a part of this challenge, and a particularly humbling honor to lead and witness the worldwide participation.

Skate life…so much love ❤

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How things are now are not how they will always be

health, inspiration, inspire, life, life coaching, mindfulness, motivation, nutrition, recovery, reflection, relax, roller derby, wellness

The past is unchangeable, the future is uncertain, and all we have is the present. I have to remind myself of this when I fall into feelings of despair and lose hope.

People keep asking when I can play again. “Can you jam for us next bout?” “When will you get cleared?” “Oh, I didn’t know that, you didn’t say anything.”

I haven’t been going into details about it, and I don’t fucking want to. People don’t ask how it’s going to see how I’m doing, they want to know specifics and timetables. There’s a reason I’m not talking about the details.

It’s fucking terrifying.

There are days that I feel like it’s any day now that I can play derby again. Then, there are days like today that I think maybe my body had enough of the contact and perhaps it’s time to take coaching and reffing more seriously. As I’ve been reminded, I have “so much to give, so much to share.” Yeah, yeah. I know. I’ve been part of this community for four seasons now and have always intended to play, especially to become a bad ass jammer. I had my moment of glory and then less than 12 hours after earning my last MVP jammer award, the accident happened.

It sucks ass that it happened. I mean, I’m not only physically jacked from it, but it’s been a huge mental challenge as well. I know that only work and time will help me manage it. I’m struggling with how to accept my limits and get over what I’ve wanted, and accept what I have.

Emotionally, I want to say “fuck that.” Objectively, I know I will thrive no matter what the circumstances, and that whomever tells me I have limits is sorely disappointed when I exceed their (and even my own) expectations.

I’m a warrior, and how are warriors forged? In battle.

This is a huge transitional time for me, and I’ve planted the seeds and am patiently nurturing them in order for them to all grow.

I’m exhausted. Technically, I’ve been on vacation for the past two weeks, and I’ve spent so much time and energy on taking steps to move forward. It’s inevitable; everything I’m doing is for a purpose and that will come to fruition precisely when it needs to.

Today I completed training through the American Academy of Sports Dietitians and Nutritionists, and I’m stoked and SO ready to take my certification exam and start working with folks. Once I got home, I started preparing meals for the week coming up; it’s going to be another busy one. This is how I’m spending my rest day, so I’m kicking back between stirs and washing dishes, listening to music, and planning my week.

Last night after I got out of training, I was thrilled that I was able to free up time and surprise my ladies of Sintral Florida Derby Demons and pop in for the second half of their season opener! Afterward I hung with a few of my buddies in the referee crew, and then went to the after party. For the first time EVER, instead of watch the dancing, I got right in there and STARTED the dance party ON THE TABLES 😀 😀 😀  The moment was wonderful and there were so many great people there to share it with, and I’m so grateful for this community. Though I miss actually playing, I’m thankful to still be involved in this world of ours.

So, who knows what my role will be. I know what I want to do, but this isn’t all about me. I know God has a bigger plan for me. Though I’m NOT happy the accident happened, I’m grateful for all the things I’ve learned in the process. Whatever happens, happens. This is just now. This doesn’t define what my future holds; this is only what is going on right now in this moment.

After all, it took me 30 years to finally come out of the closet, and look at me now, I’m a phenomenal lesbian 🙂 I’ve lost 100 pounds twice, and this second time, it’s staying off. I didn’t start speaking until I was three years old, and now I can’t shut my fuckin’ mouth. How things are now are not how they will always be.

So, though I have no idea what the future ultimately holds for me, I have hopes and goals, and as always, I will pursue them until I achieve them or until I come up with bigger goals. If it’s meant to be, it’ll find its way to me.

Who knows? Who knows if I’ll play again, or coach, or ref, or be a fan, or leave derby altogether (OMG MELODRAMA. Like THAT doesn’t exist in the derby world?!). But if I do coach, I know I’d be dynamite at it.

Derby never came easily to me, ever. I had trouble fitting in, I had trouble on my skates, I had trouble managing my anxiety, trouble minding my words, trouble accepting limitations placed on me…shit, the list can go on and on. This is great coaching fodder, and I LOVE helping people grow. I thought that would be my role as a teammate, and then my silly ass goes independent and unaffiliated. That was the biggest gift I’ve given myself thus far as a skater, and the smartest call I’ve made. Now I can go anywhere and skate, coach, and ref with whomever *I* choose.

It may take weeks, months, years, or may never happen, but I have a feeling, like a deep knowledge that was transmitted to me now from the future, that I will play again, when the time is right, and when my body and my brain are ready for it again. If it happens, great. If not, I’m happy to live under the delusion that it’s going to be a reality.

“Aren’t you afraid of getting your heart broken?”

Bitch, who you talking to? Do you even know me?

My heart’s been shattered many, many times. It has broken so far open that I’m ready for anything. My heart will continue to take the hits until it breaks so much that it becomes countless pieces, eventually breaking into pieces smaller and smaller that they become infinitesimal, part of EVERYTHING.

Isn’t that the point?

So, like several of the endeavors I’m putting the intention and work into, I’ll let it happen as it happens. I’ll do the work, I’ll keep working on personal development, and I’ll keep hoping and praying for my desired outcome. Going through this, as always, I know whatever happens is going be a blessing or a lesson, and there is only good to be reaped.

When I started this post, I had no idea how I was going to pay my gas bill. The gas was scheduled for disconnection tomorrow. Between the time I started this and as I write this now, the money came to me and I paid the bill.

Talk about putting the lessons into action!

I can’t think of a better way to end the post 🙂 I’m wearing a US Marines hat. Talk about always faithful ❤

The short version is this: I am unstoppable, and whatever happens, I am meant to thrive, and not just survive.

I am SO ready for my life to keep going in the direction I’ve been working my ass off for. We hear about these “overnight successes” and I’m sure my story will seemingly appear like that, but this has been ten years in the making, and ya know what? It’s about damn TIME.