On being real

body and swole, choices, fitness, florida, gay, healing, health, healthy lifestyle, inspiration, inspire, lesbian, LGBT, life, mindfulness, motivation, peace, recovery, reflection, roller skating, rollerskating, skating, strength, therapy, weight loss, wellness, women, yoga

(Cross-posted from MindHeartSwole.com blog)

I think we can all save ourselves a little bit of time, frustration, and future regrets by first admitting that we all are, at least a little bit, full of shit sometimes.

It isn’t until we’ve transformed into something truly beautiful that we really can appreciate how things are, instead of how they should be.


This quote was gifted to me by a friend who is an astounding woman, truly beautiful in every sense from the inside out. She’s a warrior, a survivor, a kind-hearted soul who heals people’s bodies and she’s an amazing listener. I personally had never read this quote before and when I did, it brought me to tears. It’s now something that I read daily and take it to heart.

There’s another amazing soul that I know who has this incredibly beautiful scar on her arm, and though I’ve never asked what exactly it is, I’m thinking it’s a skin graft. I know bits and pieces of her story, and admire her beautiful stories every time she speaks. Sometimes I feel like she’s speaking to call me out on my shit, and that’s very likely just me projecting my insecurities, catching myself when I need to check up.

Today is day 65 in my sobriety; technically day 66 now that it’s past 9:00PM EST.


Many times I feel like rock star sober girl, like I’ve got this shit down pat and there ain’t ever turning back. There is zero desire in my waking life to use, despite what’s happening in my dreams. The thought of drinking again makes my stomach turn, and I can’t even imagine using drugs again. The very thought makes me want to jump out of my skin and run like hell. I want to keep living clean and sober, I want this to be a lifelong commitment, and just for today, I’m taking it one day at a time, as it should be.

However…there are challenges every moment. Every fucking moment. I don’t drink, I don’t use drugs, I’m practicing abstinence, I work out every day and do restorative yoga on my rest days…and yet I still have my vices. I still obsess.

I still eat crap food sometimes. I still eat too much sometimes. I still take things personally. I still struggle with self-acceptance.

After I finished writing 100 Reasons To Lose 100 Pounds, I expected this big cloud to move over and then ta-da! Back to where I was…and that’s just not the case.

When I hit my goal, I let go for a while and then grew, and when I was at my goal, I felt maybe a bit too thin for my shape and for my personal liking. I then got to a place that I felt more comfortable, and then when I saw the videos from my goal size, I went back to wishing I was that small again.

Today I was feeling lonely. I had made plans with a friend to hang out yesterday and we never connected. I texted my sponsor and didn’t hear back. I went to a meeting at 10AM and didn’t get to share, and when I went to a noon meeting, I cried my eyes out and felt terrible. When I came home, I didn’t want to do shit but sulk and eat, but instead I geared up and got 6 miles in on my skates. The whole time I was obsessing about Doritos. I finally got the damn Doritos, ate half the bag (it was a serving size of 3 and I threw the second half away), and then went into the backyard to cut the rest of the firewood and get the log pile cleaned up.

Today was a hard day to trust and surrender, and I know I *should* do it, but the punk bitch-ass fucker wanted to be a goddamn punk. There were many moments that I stayed on the right track, but my mind just wasn’t in a good place. I didn’t want to talk to my sponsor (we texted each other a few times, it was good hearing back from her but like my prayers and conversations with God, I was withdrawn). I went to another meeting at 5 and shared again, and afterward I was given this advice:

“If you want to know who your true friends are, see who sticks around after you’ve 1) Declared bankruptcy, 2) Come out and 3) Come out about being HIV positive.”

Miracles happen, and just as this man waited for me to come out of the clubhouse to give me this advice, I think God’s waiting on me to just shut my mind off of what I think should happen and how He’s planning it to happen. He’s saved me WAY too many times to give up on me now. It’s up to me to believe in myself. As the saying goes, when the student is ready, the Master will appear. My Master is always ready;  I have to do the listening.

I’m impatient. I’m afraid. I’m dealing with ignorance.

Being real means allowing all of these things, to be perfectly imperfect, with no comparison or judgment, and just be completely authentically me.

A friend of mine keeps recommending that I listen to Grant Cardone‘s podcasts, and while I like his ethic and how hard he works, he’s aggressively arrogant. Like so many “rich” white guys who are VERY well off, he puts others down, calls people “pussies” and claims how he wants to punch certain politicians in the face.

I want to do better than that.

YES, there IS a way to be a bad ass success story without being a thundercock.

And dammit, I’m going to show people how it’s done.

As I said in the meeting, I think God’s preparing me now, in this time of uncertainty, to keep my shit together so when I get everything that I want – a clean slate, a fresh start, the car I want, property, a farm, fospice care and an animal sanctuary, facilities where I can host retreats for special-abled people, trauma victims, re-entering citizens post-incarceration, recovering addicts, burn victors, abuse victors, yogis and high-risk youth and the means to run these programs successfully – I can find peace when things are going extraordinarily well.

For those of us who have never been wealthy, the idea seems appealing, and for a while, it surely is a dream come true. However, there’s a reason why most lottery winners end up as broke as they were before they won the jackpot – piss-poor habits. A bank account says nothing about a person’s habits; our actions, our lifestyles reveal everything.

When I was making a great living as a 20-something year old airline manager, I pissed it away. Well, drank and ate a lot of it, so pissed and shat it away. I was working 100+ hour weeks and didn’t have the appreciation for my salary. Then, I moved back to Florida and got a great job that paid much less, and still it covered my expenses. It was a good career and it ran its course, and now I’m ready for work that is my purpose, to make what I’m really worth, and on my own terms.

My dream is to have trustworthy, dependable, reliable staff, to treat them well and pay them fairly, and to do something great and fill a MUCH-needed void in the community.

I thought health management, weight loss, and nutritional education was the ticket, and that’s still a pressing need.

The bigger picture is addiction.

I’m still rather new at this, and I have every intention and the burning desire to stay clean and sober, no matter what. When I set my mind to do something, I do it. Especially if the odds are looking unfavorably.

Those are MY kinds of odds.

I am an outlier.

I am an unlikely success story.

I am Smash, and it is my purpose to rise, to stand tall, to encourage, inspire, and to move people to right action. It is my job to blow sunshine up people’s asses, to wake people up, to shake them out of destructive thinking, to get them to reach their highest potentials.

It’s what I do; it’s my story. I’ve had a lot of help along the way, but ultimately, I’ve always been on my own. This is how it is for now.

I do want to share my love and my life with a special woman and make her my wife, and though that is part of my future, right now I’ve got to become the woman that *I* want to spend the rest of my life with. She’ll find me. The best things always do.

Right now, I’ve got work to do.


How things are now are not how they will always be

health, inspiration, inspire, life, life coaching, mindfulness, motivation, nutrition, recovery, reflection, relax, roller derby, wellness

The past is unchangeable, the future is uncertain, and all we have is the present. I have to remind myself of this when I fall into feelings of despair and lose hope.

People keep asking when I can play again. “Can you jam for us next bout?” “When will you get cleared?” “Oh, I didn’t know that, you didn’t say anything.”

I haven’t been going into details about it, and I don’t fucking want to. People don’t ask how it’s going to see how I’m doing, they want to know specifics and timetables. There’s a reason I’m not talking about the details.

It’s fucking terrifying.

There are days that I feel like it’s any day now that I can play derby again. Then, there are days like today that I think maybe my body had enough of the contact and perhaps it’s time to take coaching and reffing more seriously. As I’ve been reminded, I have “so much to give, so much to share.” Yeah, yeah. I know. I’ve been part of this community for four seasons now and have always intended to play, especially to become a bad ass jammer. I had my moment of glory and then less than 12 hours after earning my last MVP jammer award, the accident happened.

It sucks ass that it happened. I mean, I’m not only physically jacked from it, but it’s been a huge mental challenge as well. I know that only work and time will help me manage it. I’m struggling with how to accept my limits and get over what I’ve wanted, and accept what I have.

Emotionally, I want to say “fuck that.” Objectively, I know I will thrive no matter what the circumstances, and that whomever tells me I have limits is sorely disappointed when I exceed their (and even my own) expectations.

I’m a warrior, and how are warriors forged? In battle.

This is a huge transitional time for me, and I’ve planted the seeds and am patiently nurturing them in order for them to all grow.

I’m exhausted. Technically, I’ve been on vacation for the past two weeks, and I’ve spent so much time and energy on taking steps to move forward. It’s inevitable; everything I’m doing is for a purpose and that will come to fruition precisely when it needs to.

Today I completed training through the American Academy of Sports Dietitians and Nutritionists, and I’m stoked and SO ready to take my certification exam and start working with folks. Once I got home, I started preparing meals for the week coming up; it’s going to be another busy one. This is how I’m spending my rest day, so I’m kicking back between stirs and washing dishes, listening to music, and planning my week.

Last night after I got out of training, I was thrilled that I was able to free up time and surprise my ladies of Sintral Florida Derby Demons and pop in for the second half of their season opener! Afterward I hung with a few of my buddies in the referee crew, and then went to the after party. For the first time EVER, instead of watch the dancing, I got right in there and STARTED the dance party ON THE TABLES 😀 😀 😀  The moment was wonderful and there were so many great people there to share it with, and I’m so grateful for this community. Though I miss actually playing, I’m thankful to still be involved in this world of ours.

So, who knows what my role will be. I know what I want to do, but this isn’t all about me. I know God has a bigger plan for me. Though I’m NOT happy the accident happened, I’m grateful for all the things I’ve learned in the process. Whatever happens, happens. This is just now. This doesn’t define what my future holds; this is only what is going on right now in this moment.

After all, it took me 30 years to finally come out of the closet, and look at me now, I’m a phenomenal lesbian 🙂 I’ve lost 100 pounds twice, and this second time, it’s staying off. I didn’t start speaking until I was three years old, and now I can’t shut my fuckin’ mouth. How things are now are not how they will always be.

So, though I have no idea what the future ultimately holds for me, I have hopes and goals, and as always, I will pursue them until I achieve them or until I come up with bigger goals. If it’s meant to be, it’ll find its way to me.

Who knows? Who knows if I’ll play again, or coach, or ref, or be a fan, or leave derby altogether (OMG MELODRAMA. Like THAT doesn’t exist in the derby world?!). But if I do coach, I know I’d be dynamite at it.

Derby never came easily to me, ever. I had trouble fitting in, I had trouble on my skates, I had trouble managing my anxiety, trouble minding my words, trouble accepting limitations placed on me…shit, the list can go on and on. This is great coaching fodder, and I LOVE helping people grow. I thought that would be my role as a teammate, and then my silly ass goes independent and unaffiliated. That was the biggest gift I’ve given myself thus far as a skater, and the smartest call I’ve made. Now I can go anywhere and skate, coach, and ref with whomever *I* choose.

It may take weeks, months, years, or may never happen, but I have a feeling, like a deep knowledge that was transmitted to me now from the future, that I will play again, when the time is right, and when my body and my brain are ready for it again. If it happens, great. If not, I’m happy to live under the delusion that it’s going to be a reality.

“Aren’t you afraid of getting your heart broken?”

Bitch, who you talking to? Do you even know me?

My heart’s been shattered many, many times. It has broken so far open that I’m ready for anything. My heart will continue to take the hits until it breaks so much that it becomes countless pieces, eventually breaking into pieces smaller and smaller that they become infinitesimal, part of EVERYTHING.

Isn’t that the point?

So, like several of the endeavors I’m putting the intention and work into, I’ll let it happen as it happens. I’ll do the work, I’ll keep working on personal development, and I’ll keep hoping and praying for my desired outcome. Going through this, as always, I know whatever happens is going be a blessing or a lesson, and there is only good to be reaped.

When I started this post, I had no idea how I was going to pay my gas bill. The gas was scheduled for disconnection tomorrow. Between the time I started this and as I write this now, the money came to me and I paid the bill.

Talk about putting the lessons into action!

I can’t think of a better way to end the post 🙂 I’m wearing a US Marines hat. Talk about always faithful ❤

The short version is this: I am unstoppable, and whatever happens, I am meant to thrive, and not just survive.

I am SO ready for my life to keep going in the direction I’ve been working my ass off for. We hear about these “overnight successes” and I’m sure my story will seemingly appear like that, but this has been ten years in the making, and ya know what? It’s about damn TIME.

To Hurt Is As Human As To Breathe

fat loss, healing, mindfulness, peace, therapy, weight loss, yoga

I’ve been an isolated grumpy bear lately while going through the motions of getting back to some kind of normalcy. There’s still a lot I have to do, but a good friend reminded me yesterday to write down what I need to do, and then start prioritizing and breaking it down.

This morning was a great come-to-Jesus session (that’s a pretty prolific term, yeah?) with my coach, and I she told me some truths that I needed to hear. She’s so smart and insightful and saw the tears threatening, and we just kept moving forward. I held it together really well, I mean I’ve felt so much shit and a range of emotions, and there’s barely anything left, which is why I’ve really just had no fucks to give.

There’s still anger, and it had been there for a while and lately it’s been like a dull pain; slow, steady, and burning. It’s not all rage and smash shit, but it’s a constant.

However, there is a huge flip side going on, and just as I am weathering the storm of crap, I am also adjusting to the immense good that is going on.

The very day after I start seeing some progress physically and with the insurance and car stuff, I run into a yoga mentor and friend and was invited to apply for a local training hosted by Baron Baptiste-trained instructors, including her.

“Coincidence is the name God uses when He wants to remain anonymous.”

The day after for fuck’s sake. How could I ignore that?

Though admittedly I am having yet ANOTHER conundrum, I realize that this is much like a realization I had yesterday – we follow our heart, and fly where our wings take us. We find different platforms that take us to new places, and something new doesn’t mean forsaking everything and everyone that go us there. So, though I had to think about it a good deal, the choice was clear – I’m doing the program through Kim and starting my teacher training not this summer, but THIS FRIDAY.

Well, that escalated quickly!

So, when the circumstances, timing, and opportunities present themselves, just do it. Empty the mind of limits and what “could happen” and just go with the flow. Appropriate phrasing for yoga 🙂

I’ll be away from my first yoga studio love for a while, but six months flies by. Plus, the training doesn’t conflict with my bout schedule with Sintral (https://www.facebook.com/welovesfdd), nor my current work obligations. When the stars align, I don’t question it, I just admire the miracle of it all and bask in life’s remarkable way of restoring everything to balance.

It’s overwhelming to experience all of this at once, but I’m resilient, strong, persistent and pretty smart, so just taking things one at a time.

There’s this quote from Albus Dumbledore: “No man or woman alive, magical or not, has ever escaped some form of injury, whether physical, mental or emotional. To hurt is as human as to breathe.”

I shared with my group #Armyof100 a little bit of what was going on, and I especially reached out to trusted friends to let them know I slipped on nutritional habits for a few days, and was reminded that we are ALL human and that it was a relief for them that I’m not a robot. I keep saying how I gotta lead by example, and part of that is falling and making my own mistakes. After all, my story is always about rising above, rising up, overcoming challenge and getting to the other side.

A huge lesson I’m getting from this experience is to let go of specific attachments. I was again reminded to focus on the what, and let the how happen. Again, the timing is impeccable, I had spoken with my friend and derby mentor Steph, who practices at the yoga studio I will be taking the instructor training with, and we’ll do some practices together 🙂 I’ve wanted to do yoga with Steph for a long time, and she’s not only a great friend, but someone I like to keep close because if we want something in our lives, the best thing to do is be around people that have what we want, and have the skills we’re looking for. Steph is great at dealing with all kinds of personalities, not only in her professional capacity as a doctor of physical therapy, but also as a wife. Her wife and I not only have similar personalities, we have the a lot of the same injuries. She keeps me in check and has the patience to deal with me when I’m being a real asshole, on and off the track. I asked her to be my big sister and mentor at the beginning of last season, and she’s been an amazing friend and hugely positive influence on me personally and as a derby athlete. She’s now retired from derby, and I’m super excited that she’s going to be a part of my yoga journey as well 🙂 God’s truly blessed me with some amazing friends!

So, as things progress, I want to continue to stay FOCUSED. A huge challenge for me, but in the end, I always get things done.

Corporate filing status: Complete Computer: Acquired Yoga instructor training: Starts Friday

I’m so thankful for mentors, patient friends, angels, and the lessons learned in especially our darkest hours. As I heal from this hurt, I am reminded why we come back stronger -just as a moth transforms and develops the wing strength to escape from its cocoon, we too find the strength to burst out of the temporary circumstances binding us, and we emerge evolved.

It’s all a matter of choice. Do I choose to be a victim of my circumstance, or a victor who overcame all?

In the end, it’s always the latter. In the end, I always emerge victorious.

With so much happening, I am ready for the changes that will come to make room into my life for that which is meant for me, and is meant to be.

Still working on opening the heart chakra, but I finally saw blue and learning to utilizing it. I saw some green, but as patches of grass, so instead of question it, I’ll take it and just keep working on it. I knew heart would be last. We’re getting there, though. If I don’t get there before Friday, I sure will as I undergo this training.

It’s intense, which is right up my alley 🙂

Getting by, one movement at a time. Through life, I’ve found that the part that heals best after taking the most beatings is the heart ❤