The past is unchangeable, the future is uncertain, and all we have is the present. I have to remind myself of this when I fall into feelings of despair and lose hope.
People keep asking when I can play again. “Can you jam for us next bout?” “When will you get cleared?” “Oh, I didn’t know that, you didn’t say anything.”
I haven’t been going into details about it, and I don’t fucking want to. People don’t ask how it’s going to see how I’m doing, they want to know specifics and timetables. There’s a reason I’m not talking about the details.
It’s fucking terrifying.
There are days that I feel like it’s any day now that I can play derby again. Then, there are days like today that I think maybe my body had enough of the contact and perhaps it’s time to take coaching and reffing more seriously. As I’ve been reminded, I have “so much to give, so much to share.” Yeah, yeah. I know. I’ve been part of this community for four seasons now and have always intended to play, especially to become a bad ass jammer. I had my moment of glory and then less than 12 hours after earning my last MVP jammer award, the accident happened.
It sucks ass that it happened. I mean, I’m not only physically jacked from it, but it’s been a huge mental challenge as well. I know that only work and time will help me manage it. I’m struggling with how to accept my limits and get over what I’ve wanted, and accept what I have.
Emotionally, I want to say “fuck that.” Objectively, I know I will thrive no matter what the circumstances, and that whomever tells me I have limits is sorely disappointed when I exceed their (and even my own) expectations.
I’m a warrior, and how are warriors forged? In battle.
This is a huge transitional time for me, and I’ve planted the seeds and am patiently nurturing them in order for them to all grow.
I’m exhausted. Technically, I’ve been on vacation for the past two weeks, and I’ve spent so much time and energy on taking steps to move forward. It’s inevitable; everything I’m doing is for a purpose and that will come to fruition precisely when it needs to.
Today I completed training through the American Academy of Sports Dietitians and Nutritionists, and I’m stoked and SO ready to take my certification exam and start working with folks. Once I got home, I started preparing meals for the week coming up; it’s going to be another busy one. This is how I’m spending my rest day, so I’m kicking back between stirs and washing dishes, listening to music, and planning my week.
Last night after I got out of training, I was thrilled that I was able to free up time and surprise my ladies of Sintral Florida Derby Demons and pop in for the second half of their season opener! Afterward I hung with a few of my buddies in the referee crew, and then went to the after party. For the first time EVER, instead of watch the dancing, I got right in there and STARTED the dance party ON THE TABLES 😀 😀 😀 The moment was wonderful and there were so many great people there to share it with, and I’m so grateful for this community. Though I miss actually playing, I’m thankful to still be involved in this world of ours.
So, who knows what my role will be. I know what I want to do, but this isn’t all about me. I know God has a bigger plan for me. Though I’m NOT happy the accident happened, I’m grateful for all the things I’ve learned in the process. Whatever happens, happens. This is just now. This doesn’t define what my future holds; this is only what is going on right now in this moment.
After all, it took me 30 years to finally come out of the closet, and look at me now, I’m a phenomenal lesbian 🙂 I’ve lost 100 pounds twice, and this second time, it’s staying off. I didn’t start speaking until I was three years old, and now I can’t shut my fuckin’ mouth. How things are now are not how they will always be.
So, though I have no idea what the future ultimately holds for me, I have hopes and goals, and as always, I will pursue them until I achieve them or until I come up with bigger goals. If it’s meant to be, it’ll find its way to me.
Who knows? Who knows if I’ll play again, or coach, or ref, or be a fan, or leave derby altogether (OMG MELODRAMA. Like THAT doesn’t exist in the derby world?!). But if I do coach, I know I’d be dynamite at it.
Derby never came easily to me, ever. I had trouble fitting in, I had trouble on my skates, I had trouble managing my anxiety, trouble minding my words, trouble accepting limitations placed on me…shit, the list can go on and on. This is great coaching fodder, and I LOVE helping people grow. I thought that would be my role as a teammate, and then my silly ass goes independent and unaffiliated. That was the biggest gift I’ve given myself thus far as a skater, and the smartest call I’ve made. Now I can go anywhere and skate, coach, and ref with whomever *I* choose.
It may take weeks, months, years, or may never happen, but I have a feeling, like a deep knowledge that was transmitted to me now from the future, that I will play again, when the time is right, and when my body and my brain are ready for it again. If it happens, great. If not, I’m happy to live under the delusion that it’s going to be a reality.
“Aren’t you afraid of getting your heart broken?”
Bitch, who you talking to? Do you even know me?
My heart’s been shattered many, many times. It has broken so far open that I’m ready for anything. My heart will continue to take the hits until it breaks so much that it becomes countless pieces, eventually breaking into pieces smaller and smaller that they become infinitesimal, part of EVERYTHING.
Isn’t that the point?
So, like several of the endeavors I’m putting the intention and work into, I’ll let it happen as it happens. I’ll do the work, I’ll keep working on personal development, and I’ll keep hoping and praying for my desired outcome. Going through this, as always, I know whatever happens is going be a blessing or a lesson, and there is only good to be reaped.
When I started this post, I had no idea how I was going to pay my gas bill. The gas was scheduled for disconnection tomorrow. Between the time I started this and as I write this now, the money came to me and I paid the bill.
Talk about putting the lessons into action!
I can’t think of a better way to end the post 🙂 I’m wearing a US Marines hat. Talk about always faithful ❤
The short version is this: I am unstoppable, and whatever happens, I am meant to thrive, and not just survive.
I am SO ready for my life to keep going in the direction I’ve been working my ass off for. We hear about these “overnight successes” and I’m sure my story will seemingly appear like that, but this has been ten years in the making, and ya know what? It’s about damn TIME.