No one tells you when you’re gaining fat, not even your closest friends (at least in my experience). This can be seen as a blessing, and also an opportunity to realize the importance of self-accountability.
I stepped on the scale again for the first time in months the day that I had started the nationwide 24 day challenge. When I saw the number, I was initially dismayed, and then felt hopeful and enthusiastic about the results I was going to have at the end of the 24 days. Clearly at the time I started the challenge, I did not expect the accident and all the stress that would come with. Though I am one tough, persistent, idealistic fighter, the injury really got inside of my head and has affected my behavior, and I have fallen into some habits of old. What is very interesting is that I still do not partake in highly processed, sugary foods. However, bad habits are still bad habits, and excess calories are still excess calories, and at the end of the day, any time we consume too much of anything, there will be fat gain.
I absolutely abhor trying on clothes, especially when I know for a fact that I have been gaining fat. It is one of the most harrowing and depressing ordeals I feel a woman can put herself through…or maybe that’s just me. Even when I’ve lost weight, I’ve needed help trying clothes on because I still have an internal perception of myself as obese.
I needed a suit and was thrilled that I found one in my size that fit…kinda. It’s tight. Perhaps too tight. Cognitive dissonance at play here.
The place that I am at right now with my fitness, nutrition, and mentality is the place where I typically find people when they are looking for and asking for my help. Many of these people are in the beginning of their own journey. Though far from the very beginning of my journey, when going through an experience of bad habit issues, one must realize that we have to start somewhere. We don’t immediately pick up where we left off. So, with that, I will remember to be very compassionate with myself, and take good care and realize that this is where I am right now. This is what I have to work with right now. And it is okay to still experience negative feelings associated with my situation. However, just like we learn in yoga and meditation, it is good and well to have these thoughts, as long as we don’t create attachment to them.
This week in addition to work, I still have doctor visits to continue with my therapy, keeping up with my yoga practice, a follow-up meeting with a nutritionist, and a consultation with a life coach at the end of the week.
We learn a lot in meditation about finding the calm in the storm, and until our external circumstances change, we must master our internal reactions. I fully admit that this is something that I still struggle with, and I am still having challenges maintaining my inner calm, especially at work. This is the phase I’m at right now. I learned over the last several years to feed my body the right things. Now, I am focusing once again on my habits, and listening to both my body and my internal compass to gauge what my body needs nutritionally. I also understand that a good deal of that is mental.
This is really a pain in the ass to talk about, and especially to be publicly open and blog about it. However, I have always put my heart out there with very little restraint. I realize that if I really want to genuinely help people, then I have to be genuine about my personal journey. This is very real, very raw, and just like me, it’s pretty much unfiltered. That’s just my approach. I don’t have the attention span for anything else.
So, though it is very hard, I am just going to suck it up and do it the right way. Sure, it certainly feels like I have taken steps back. We won’t even get into how horrible I felt when the pants in the next size up were snug. However, I have a track record for success, and I definitely specialize in finding the light in the darkness. This is just yet another one of those times. And since I am on the brink of something really special, it makes total sense that I am facing a huge challenge at the precipice.
Moving forward for me at this point means confronting what has been holding me back, and just letting it go. I am grateful for the lessons that I have been taught, and so ready to let go of anything detrimental. I am ready for the best possible things to come into my life, as they should.
A friend said I’m about to sabotage myself. I’ve done it so many times. Just as I am about to reach my goals, I fuck up.
Not this time.
I can have slip-ups, but there is no turning back.
…and even if there is, I’m sure there’s a lesson and opportunity in that as well.
Reading this is a challenge, because I KNOW what I need to do. Just like when giving advice to a friend, it’s much easier to tell someone what to do, and much harder to do it. So, though I have my work cut out for me, I’m willing to put in the work today.
All I can control is today, now, this moment. Today, I want to honor myself by continuing to make good decisions, and take good care of myself.
ALL of me. Mind, heart, and soul.