This week had its share of highs and lows, and it’s really a matter of choosing the right mindset and perspective to figure out how to move forward.
Once again, I’m reminded that it’s good and well to envision a particular outcome, but the best results come from being open and receptive to what comes my way.
“I don’t mind what happens.” – Krishnamurti
My homegirl Buxom Basher treated me to lunch, and to be forthright, I was anticipating bad news (it’s just the mindset I was in). I saw her a few days after I got my MRI results from my doctor, and though I am staying positive and focusing on good things, every now and then I am reminded of attachments I still have. For instance, Bux is a friend from roller derby, and as I go through the motions of living with this injury, I face some hard decisions ahead. Do I want to risk my body playing a sport I love? Will I overcome yet another injury and play again?
Bux reminded me that she’s been playing a hell of a lot longer than I have, and I was given perspective, a whole lotta derby stickers to make up for the ones I lost in the accident, and hope. Later, I saw Kim again, and she reminded me that miracles happen ALL the time. We can heal ourselves.
I’ve done it before and I know I can do it again.
PLUS my new physical therapist is a redhead, and damn I started feeling better already 🙂
Wednesday was a fucking nightmare. Like…a veritable roller coaster of emotions that just went from one extreme to the next. I went from high stress, to having a car (FINALLY), to getting my MRI results. Right after I left the doctor’s, I ugly girl-cried my way out the door, into the car, home, from the house to a yoga class, and fell apart when I got there. My friend was teaching the class and it was just her and I, and for two hours we meditated.
I felt everything, saw everything, was part of everything, and faded away into being and existing without the aid of anything but mental and spiritual exhaustion. I let it all go. Roles, ego, the need to be whatever I told myself I’d needed to be, and just faded away and accepted that I can be “normal.” I don’t have to power lift, I don’t have to be Smash, I don’t have to BE ANYTHING aside from me.
I needed that experience, and to find that peace. It comes and goes, and the bad feelings find their way to me again, but I do yoga, listen to music, talk to someone, or just cry it out if needed. Just keep getting up.
Accepting that it is what it is. “Being weakened doesn’t make you weak.” – Bux. She knows her shit! Nine seasons of derby, she’s got insight!
For the first time, I actually let the Publix folks help me to my car after I got groceries. Fuck it, ya know? TRY new things.
I’ve also been taking classes with as many different instructors that I can, and trying new classes. Life keeps showing me to release attachment, to drop my walls, and to stop telling myself the stories that hold me back. Just let go. Just be. Flow.
If I said it was easy, straight up I’d be full of shit. It’s a struggle. The struggle is what strengthens us, and now is the time for me to step up big time. Time to wear the big girl shoes. I already am all that I want to be, and I’m allowed to have all that I want.
I deserve it.
So, whatever may come, comes. What’s next in my journey? I don’t know, I’m thinking maybe dancing? I’ve taken a BUTI Yoga class and I’m hooked, and Zumba has helped, so maybe I need to keep working on relinquishing any thoughts of caring and just do stuff that helps free my soul.
Taking a class like that and just not caring at all helps shed the dark stuff.
So, who knows. Who knows what will happen. Certainly not I. I’ve got intentions, goals, and a knowledge that it WILL happen, it’s just a matter of WHEN. The how doesn’t even matter. It’ll all come together.
I get everything I want. I work my ass off for it.
So, on mindset, there’s also this video I did recently:
A friend said when life knocks us down, we tell life that it hits like a bitch and we get right back up.
This is just the beginning.